revelations in the struggle

So who would have thought that having nothing to do could be stressful?

Ask a man who has been retrenched and you may get an answer for that. At the end of last year I knew that this year would require a lot of self motivation. I often told myself that I would never slack off and that I would continue creating regardless of whether or not varsity encouraged it. These conversations happened a lot in my mind. I heard of Btech students who had nothing to do and I would argue to myself how I would NOT let myself get into a creative slump of nothing. I was relentless and adamant in my thinking.

However 2012 has come (we are just about half way) and there has been little organisation, motivation, deadlines from NMMU Btech lecturers. Unfortunately I have allowed myself to get into the creative slump of nothing (it was just too tempting not to). I have been so angry at myself for allowing it. However I have realised that I need to forgive myself and my lecturers cos I am human (so are they) and sometimes the bed and coffee with friends has been just so tempting.

I have learnt a lot during this time, such as:


* God always is loving. He is NOT that dark, condeming voice but the loving, inviting one.
* My worth does not come from what I do but from who God says I am
* I can be the most ineffective person alive and I will still be loved and cared for
* I love being in worship ( even when I'm lazy, church will get me out of bed).

* I really really love people, sometimes more than myself
* I DO NOT have to earn my love from others
* Pick your friends wisely.
* Realise which friends love you for you, and not only what you can do for them
* Being around people really inspires me
* spend time with people who celebrate you, not those who just tolerate you!
* Unfortunately, just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean that they will embrace you with love, care, kindness and comfort.
* There are a few people out there that support you.
* Some people are happy to keep you at arms length
* Some people will be jealous, scared of you
* Some people will love you for you and will always have an encouraging thing to say, even when you have stuffed up big time


* I love to sleep, cuddle and play with animals
* I really love fashion, way more than I do home interiors
* I love getting out
* I love coffee
* I love music
* I love going for long walks along the beach *sounds cheesy doesn't it?
* I LOVE LOVE LOVE being alone
* I love working with my hands, even if it is typing.
* I really appreciate people who seek me out
* I really appreciate people who just sit and listen to me!

You might be reading this post and thinking "ah I would love to have more time on my hands and less demands". Yes, you have every right to feel that way but for me there are a few things that I have questioned during this time:

* What am I on earth for if there is no clear purpose.
* Am I made to be treated badly by others, being cursed, hit, whipped, ignored, dismissed.
* When is my break through going to come
* Is life always meant to be such a struggle
* If I really love something so much then why don't I just do it
* Am I really that creative
* Should I really be studying this

...ONE GREAT TRUTH I HAVE LEARNT IS THAT GREAT REVELATIONS COME WITH GREAT STRUGGLE...