listening to lies lieing down...

She's lying back listening to the abuse spying from his mouth. Like venom it stung her to kill the few particles of her self esteem that was (by a miracle) still flowing through her veins. "YOU kids never listen to me. If only you listened you wouldn't be in this mess. You children are a pain. A nausance, a burden". She continued to look at the Sunday nights dinner in the puppy dogs mouth in front of her. The venom from his mouth seemed unproportional to the food that she was willing to give as a Sunday tithe. His words started to poison her blood. This little girl who too young to differentiate between what was truth and lies let alone from out of a mouth that fed hers. She had just learnt to lace up her shoes but not unlace the words that we entangling her in a web of lies. His words were tripping her up. His words like two shoe laces being tied to the other shoe. At times they'd stop little missy dead in her tracks, at other times she'd land face first into the Sunday tithe.

 For the years that followed she was determined to untie these laces from one another and wear her shoes like every other Tom, Dick and Harry. Although she felt different from the rest. Maybe it was her blood that was a different substance, poisoned perhaps. She wanted so desperately to love herself with her leather 'Mary Janes' and her lace sox. She was taught to hate her blood and so her very substance became the direction in which her hate was focussed. She no longer wore those lace up shoes as she quite enjoyed her Mary Janes. Who needed them anyway when a buckle would secure them on her size 3 feet just fine.

She started to skip in her new shoes- with delight I might add. Joy felt good. It was a change. One she was getting more comfortable with joy, strangely so. She hadn't known what its like to be happy. To feel happiness. With it came a sense of guilt. What happens if with a skip of glee this little girl knocks Sundays supper or let alone hurts someone's feelings. Oh the venom that would spew forth. God forbid the venom be proprtional this time.

Guilt was her life blood. Guilt for even existing shamed her. She would be invisible if she could.

Her joy had taken her to a new place. With a hop just short this girl ,that goes without name, was caught in a chasm of darkness. She found herself bleeding in this chasm. Her shoe caught on a rock as she hopped on in. She found just herself there and her dripping blood. She sank with the choice to believe that her maroon looking  blood was poisoned...or to attempt to venture forth with her newly found friend, glee. Oh what it is to step in her new leather Mary Janes...